I confess that there is a specific amount of pain that comes in keeping up appearances. Perhaps it is the world that I live in, or the expectations that have been set for me, or even the ones that I have entrapped myself in, but it seems to me that there is always a considerable amount that I’m holding locked up from the world. I put on the faces that people want to see, and I hold them up well. At the end of the day, my proudest memories rely on how much truth people have really figured out, or more clearly, how much I have kept in.
I am not disillusioned enough to believe that I am alone in the urgency to mask myself. And I do not consider what I do fake in any way- I am not changing personas, just details. I am proud that my personality is able to shine up despite my sealed lips- but I am saddened that I have such a distinct need to seal them in the first place.
There are symptoms and side effects of hiding you life away from the world; there is the stress of knowing that someone may find out, the exhaustion of sorting through you words at fast paces until you know that they are safe. There are the bruises that form as the weight of the façade that you’ve so long toiled over pushes down on your shoulders. There is the loss of appetite, of loved ones, of the people who find out the truth. All of these are subtle- hardly anyone notices.
I am tired of controlling who I have become. I am tired of getting up and dressing myself with clothes, jewelry, and who I will be that day. I am tired of allowing myself to make decisions which create yet another me.
And yet if I concede, if I give in to my desire to let the world in, I would have to begin to trust again. And while the load I carry gets heavier each year, the very thought of trusting anyone is heavier, and the consequences much more drastic. Even my bruises pale in comparison to the broken heart that I risk when I let someone in.
So on and on I go, creating new safe places, never letting the world see who I am or who I have the potential to become. I have hope that one day, my masks will start to reflect my heart, that the courage to be brave and let myself out will one day surface. Until then, I will hide softly, and pray that the world never becomes the wiser.
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This has been a major problem in my life.
ReplyDeleteJesus calls us to life, but not just life, but abundant life. And if life is about love, then surely it is about people, and if it is about love and people then surely people would have to get to know us for who we are.
I warn you now (and maybe you know this) that the longer you go on pushing through life, the less you'll know yourself and the more you'll see life through shades of gray. The more you'll see life as a numbers game. You'll simply "lose" who you are, and become a facade of masks and images.
You'll walk through the door in a mood as black as midnight, but in a flash you'll be sunshine and happiness because you can't let anyone know whats bothering you.
Church is the fastest way to get me into those black moods, because they all talk about God as if they have this personal relationship, or they talk about all their meaningful conversations with all their BFFs...
I'd be happy to talk with ya about these things over the phone or something... you should call me
I'm finding that. I'm also finding that there is a lot of merit to the idea of surrender before advancement. I shall write about it at some point.
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